Quiet house

It is so quiet here - KK with her mama, Ruth, Liam, and Chris in Blacksburg with family - just me and Bob and dogs and turtles present. The quiet feels good, the ability to clean and put away laundry without getting in anyone's way - and yet I miss the energy level and the love of an active family household. And I miss the specific people. It was a scramble before everyone left - dance, choir, and school deadlines for KK, holiday social events, semster end scramble for Ruth, crazy busy practice for me. By Tuesday I was feeling worn out, like at the end of a long race, but I don't regret the intensity of our household, just keep learning about pacing.

Happy Hanukkah House

I'm surprised how much holidays and music are special in my life since we started living together. I'm really not much on music or holidays, or at least I didn't used to be. But no much of anything could top dancing in the kitchen, three generations of us, to klezmer music while two candles shine in the mennorah after a fulfilling work day.

In Appreciation of Ruth's Magic Touch

Magic

My daughter Ruth
works magic with space,
turns chair, clears air,
paints wall, work of art
,opens hearts, sets table,
nourishes friendships
,organizes for serenity
,designs for connection,
moves through room,
trails beauty like love.

Victoria Hendricks
November 24, 2010

Thankful

This year has brought so many changes, some we planned and hoped for, like Bob getting a job in Austin and moving home and others, like his leaving the job when it became impossibly stressful, not planned. Yesterday Chris cooked Thanksgiving dinner for himself, Drea, Joanna, Liam, Ruth, Bob and I. It fed soul as well as body, a truly nurturing feast. For a while all of my grandchildren were playing in the backyard at the same time. That felt good. Today we helped Joanna move the last of her belongings out of storage to take to San Antonio. This year has brought so many changes, none of us where we expected to be or doing what we expected to be doing. It is good to have the love we have, the comingled lives, the children thriving. Ruth and I took down Thanksgiving decorations this afternoon and decorated for winter/Channukah, both of which come early this year. I feel the vulnerability of being alive, also the tender sweetness and the sense of Thanksgiving lingering after its holiday.

Songfest

I love the resilience of the human spirit. Bob has been so banged up by his recent hostile and frustrating work situation. All of us are worried about money, but at this moment I'm lying in my bed with my computer while Chris cooks fragrant chicken with rice and Bob and guitar hafe their guitars out, playing songs from my childhood - especially my Dad's two favorites "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" and "I've Been Working on the Railroad". Liam claps and dances along. I love living in a house full of live music, have most of my life. It makes me really happy that Liam and K.K. are growing up where singing to and with each other is part of everyday life. I feel a well of happiness beneath my anxiety. Life is at least partly what we make of it.

Hard Times

It's been hard at our house - money worries, job distress for Bob, fears about his health for me. And yet we continue to share laughter, meals, song, the thriving of Liam and K.K. Better together than alone, whatever the times bring.

Wiring Accomplished

KK's little house has outlets now and everything in place to be formally lit up, heated and cooled. Chris and Ruth, with much appreciated help from Bill, finished setting the WIRING (correction from firing!) in yesterday. Hooray! Chris says it's by far the toughedst and biggest electrical project he's attempted. I so much respect his and Ruth's willingness to try and competence at achieving all kinds of projects. KK has just returned from aweekend away that included a school lock in (apparently fun for her) and visits with her brothers and baby sister and both parents. Time to go talk to the girl!

Progress

There is so much sweetness in our home, day by day, especially on Fridays. Last week as we were preparing for Shabbat Bob got out his guitar and started playing for all of us. He and Ruth sang and Liam danced, while Chris and I continued to cook. So emotionally warm in the house. There is struggle too, especially with Bob's challenging job, but good to have more family to face it it. These last two days Chris has been wiring KK's little house, in which we have been spending delightful time, progress on all fronts.

For Mama,

On a lark I used Wordle (which, by the way, I LOVE Wordle!) to make a "word cloud" of this blog. Basically the program tells you which words are used most frequently in a writing sample--the bigger the more frequently used. I thought you'd get a kick out of seeing what resulted. I love it--you've created a sweet peice of art about our family home. But I'm a bit horrified that it doesn't have "Victoria" in it. I need to write about you more (and maybe call you by name? Though that seems weird!)

So, in order to assure that your name shows up at least SOME next time: Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, Victoria!

PS--> click on it to see it bigger and clearer--don't try to read it here!

Thoughtful at Yom Kippur

We live in a complex house, family that mirrors our world. It would be simple if all of us were Jewish, especially the same flavor and texture of Judaism. It would be nice if we all treasured the same holidays in the same style, withthe same feeling. Today Ruth, Chris, Liam and I celebrate the solemn day of Yom Kippur - amazing that Liam is already learning different holidays are different and not to offer food to people who are fasting - so much so fast. KK is in San Antonio visiting her mother, brothers, and baby sister. Bob is at school working on catching up with grading and parent phone calls. KK and Bob both respect the Jewish holidays and the mood around the High Holy Days, but what is mine isn't theirs. Tonight after we break our fast Bob will be home watching Texas Tech play UT on TV. I wouldn't probably turn on the TV for a day or two after You Kippur, even though the transition back to the every day is made at sunset. I like to treasure the quiet and contemplative, to move out of it gradually. We are not the same, all of us in this house, in any way, and sometimes that makes me sad. But then I think about the richness of diversity and the lessons in getting along that we sure need in the bigger, even more diverse world. and I'm thankful for the differences among us here at home - safe place to learn empathy and understanding.

A sweet new year

is what we wish for our household and yours. Rosh Hoshannah is for contemplation of the blessings of the old year and the beginning of introspection for the turning and reconciliations which will make the new year even sweeter. Liam in shul,swaying in the aisles, dancing to the music, clapping, resting under his Daddy's prayer shawl, hugging the rabbi, reaching joyfully for challah after the blessings is an inspiration and a delight. Co-housing with KK and Bob here is a little more complicated and also richer. Four adults with strong opinions coaching one young teen can be a little much at times. for us and for her. But the richness has got to outweigh the conflict.

Second Labor Day Co-housing

Last year I remember we were crazy busy Labor Day weekend, Ruth and Chris moving in, furniture all over the place and boxes everwhere, but Chris managed to grill a great dinner and we ate it together on the table in the front yard-no deck back then. This year there is much more order and beauty in the house, Bob is home for good, KK lives with us,and Liam isa big running, jumping, English speaking, helpful, no-saying little boy. Our holiday weekend was a delight with a Saturday family hike at Enchanted Rock, dinner that night at Marie and Bill's house, homework, chores, walks on Sunday, errands and a visit from Joanna today. Ruth cut my hair tonight, such a treat - trimmed it and shaped it a little. The house is full of apples, in preparation for Rosh Hoshannah, which comes early this year.

Life together one year in

Co-housing has been like so many things in my life - exactly what I hoped for and not exactly as I expected. When we planned for Ruth and Chris and Liam to move in and started the process last year, I really didn't think Bob would get an Austin teaching job for this year, and he has. I sure didn't expect K.K. to be living with us, or that we would be working on a little house in the back yard. I also did not have any sense of how verbal and delightful, and fully strongly PRESENT Liam would be in the family. He is so conversant, such an English speaker so early, with preferences and needs and a sense of humor of his own. Last night family dinner was delicious (thank you Chris, and all the more special for being prepared on a long work day when we were all tired), and in the midst of dinner preparation Liam asked for music and Ruth put on They Might be Giants playing songs about science that Bob might use with his sixth graders. K.K., Ruth, Liam and I all got to dancing and Liam was still boogying in his seat as he started to feed himself chicken and black beans. Moments like that fit the feeling of what I hoped from co-housing, but aren't anything I could have exactly expected.

It's all done (well on the inside anyway)

KK's house has windows and a cut out for the A.C. It does NOT, however, have a doorknob, drywall, wiring or even a real floor. (All to come in good time)

I did plug in the AC just to see what would happen and was pleasantly surprised to find that it DID cool the space off despite the HUGEly high ceiling and the fact that today was literally 105 degrees outside!

Progress.

KK's here!

KK's house is in progress and we've talked her into starting her own blog to share it with you all. Check it out here (and comment frequently to encourage her!)

Hello House!

They are all set to begin construction on KK's house tomorrow. Whoo hoo! Soon there will be more than just a door on the back porch and windows in the garage. Soon there will be walls and a roof (and skylights even!)

Happy anniversary co-housing (and welcome additional co-houser!)

When Grandma asked, at dinner, what a happy surprise had been for each of us as a result of the co-housing Liam answered, without hesitation, "Gee Gee" (KK) and I think we all feel the same way. Thanks, Kiddo, for sweeping the deck and loading the dishwasher because it needs to be done. Thank you for walking Duffy and giving great hugs. Thanks for being a good sport about falling off your bike and starting a new school and not having a room of your own yet. Thank you for watching Liam when I need to take a shower and for letting him chase you on the plasma car over and over.

You are a great neice and an awesome cousin. We are all lucky to have you. I love you bunches and bunches (and you are STILL my cuppycake).

One year of Co-housing

It's been about a year since the Friday night Ruth called me at work and proposed co-housing. It's been a great year, so many shared meals, conversations, the treat
watching Liam grow day by day, word by word, the even deeper treat of his kisses and welcoming hugs and knowing he knows me as a real, daily part of his life. It's been a hard year with Bob having a potentially fatal pulmonary embolism in January and everyone facing career and financial challenges. The group of us has taken a house that was prtty disorganized and cluttered with lots of run down furniture and redundant belongings and turned it into a much more beautiful and orderly home (with a beautiful deck out front, even). Ruth's sense of the aesthetic and hard work, Chris' constant and very effectve eggort and nurturing (including diligent shopping and amazing cooking), and Bob's steadiness and planning abilities have stood us in good stead. Liam, flowering before our eyes, and now K.K. moving in, already in bloom, add so much to family life. I do like the fact of really living in a family again. The transition of Bob back home full time to teach at Andrews has been easier than I expected. We're still a bit overflowing with stuff, but Bob is working harder at minimization than I ever thought he would, and the effect is obvious.I feel a little overwhelmed in my life these days, but I believe the joy of the co-housing counteracts this overwhelm. Bob chose a cookie cake tonight at HEB to celebrate our year together. I wonder what great changes we will experioence in our next year together.

KK's House (part one)

Notice what's missing from the photos below? (That's right--the house! Err, barn)

The order is placed, the check is cashed. The crew will be out soon. In a matter of a few days the view from our rear windows will change dramatically. Picture, instead of orange marking tape, an 8 foot high (pale yellow) barn-turned-house with huge windows, a fun loft, a door, a porch light and even her very own mailbox.

Soon we'll have the outside of the building built for us. And then we begin the trenching and wiring and drywalling. Eventually KK's room (complete with GREEN walls and a large tree frog mural) will sit right here:

Changes

Ruth is drawing the final plan for K.K.'s little house, with loft. K.K.'s belongings are piled in the garage waiting. K.K. herself will be joining the family soon, registering for Lamar middle school next week. Bob and I have started filling closets in his new classroom with supplies - exciting. Liam is more darling than ever, executing spinning jumps tonights.

A little House for K.K.

is moving from imagination to dream to plan in our back yard. It's staked out now, and Ruth and I trimmed some trees to make room. K.K., very excited about her potential apartment helped too until a mosquito left a huge red welt on her forehead and her Auntie sent her in. The mosquitos love that child as much as I do, unfortunately. I know it is hard for Joanna to be away from K.K. so the girl can live in Austin and dance, and it's hard for me to have Joanna and the boys and Tracy and Drea moving to San Antonio for work - and I am excited about K.K. being a more everyday part of our co-household.

A Thank you poem for Chris

Home Cooking


Barefoot in the kitchen,
madras shorts, wild curls,
science fiction book open
on the counter. NPR on radio,
fluffy scruffy dog under foot,
you teach your son, one,
who stands on blue stool.
You teach him to break egg.
stir batter, place dishes in sink.
He brings you garlic, olive oil,
grater, parsnips, chocolate chips.
You pound the chicken thin,
make two sauces, spicy, mild,
consider all tastes, feed family.
Great blessing, you home cooking.

Happy Birthday Bob!

Today is Bob's birthday--We didn't do much of anything official to celebrate the day itself but it promises to usher in an exciting new year now that Bob will be officially back in Austin teaching 6th grade. (So thank-you AISD for a great Bob-Birthday gift). And thank you, Bob, for letting Liam and I bake you a cake even when you can't eat it. We love you!

Changes

So much is changing in our Stardust house. I can't even really keep up day to day. For sure Bob is coming home to teach sixth grade at Andrews School here in Austin. We are all thrilled about that, though a little overwhelmed by the work involved in closing the Corpus apartment. Also Joanna's family is probably moving to San Antonio for a work and housing opportunity and K.K. will probably stay with us to continue dancing at Ballet Austin. I find that pretty exciting, but again, there will have to be some structural changes to the house to accomodate her and her stuff - so much happening at once! The atmosphere is good, warm and full of laughter, often following Liam's lead. There is just a lot to do, and probably adjustments in the future for all of us. Life does feel very alive in the midst of so much love.

Red Deck

Chris and Ruth finished staining the deck tonight - It looks really good, a great shade of red to blend with the red brick of hte house and the warm yellow wood - happy deck. I'm astonished they got from nothing here so fast. There is still some touch up to do and installation of lattices around the bottom of the deck (so nothing can crawl under there and die), and they plan to use left over lumber to build a "cuddle nest" in one back corner of the deck.

Mary, you asked about the deck and the heat and bugs. We probably will be out there more morning and evening than mid day during the summer. It was pleasant at dusk tonight. Liam loves to be outside and we take him out quite a bit, and that is more comfortable on the deck than otherwise. We do have an umbrella table and some shade from the house and Danny's maple. We do intend, and in time, to add fans, a sun sail, and probably a mister system - but can't afford everything at once. We also intend a fire pit for winter. We haven't seen bees on the deck yet, but we probably will. We have seen mosquito's, but Ruth has some kind of lantern with citronella in it that helps a lot, and Bob bought a machine that is now in the back yard that does seem to keep them away. We may move it to the deck or get a second. Right now, already, our red deck improves the quality of out lives even though it is HOT here for the end of May.

Bob was home for the long weekend - very nice and will be home for the summer Friday. We've been talking about how to make it as good as we can to be a family of five full time in our home - exciting and I'm sure it will be challenging too. One good thing to report, is that the dogs are already calmer around each other, can sleep in the same room, though Lobo still runs if Duffy approaches (and yes, Duffy is much smaller than Lobo and utterly not fierce!).

Dinner on the Deck - at the table

Evenings are warm in the house and we are managinb not to turn on the AC yet. Tonight we escaped the stuffiness by eating Chris delicious dinner of risotto with chicken, corn and beans on the deck at the table, with cloth napkins and a candle lantern yet. It's a far cry from our first meal sitting on the as yet to be screwed down boards of a small portion of the deck. Ruth and I bought the last five of the concrete "feet" the deck stands on today, along with eight more planks. There is some wood yet to buy, but not much more before the whole basic deck is present. Then there will be staining to do and railings to build - but it is great to be as far as we are.

Deck steps

I can't get over Ruth's gift for design and construction. She's related to me???? I had fun tonight being carpenter's helper, even using the table saw a little, while we installed the deck steps in a cool angled design. They are really there, steps, for Liam and Chris to come up when they return from gaming later tonight.

Mothers' Day

Chirs cooked pink chicken and made a cooked cake from scratch. Bob called several times from Corpus, sweet conversations. Liam played and giggled and gave goodnight kisses and was every inch his perfect self. Ruth and I beamed - a good day.

More deck

Ruth and Chris amaze me with the creation of this deck. It grows and grows. They laid the angle of the stairs today, set the height of the steps. There already is a table and chairs on part of the deck and Liam runs about joyfully during construction, chasing Sarabi, the cat. Weather is beginning to feel summery, not to bad yet. We are managing so far without the air conditioning, and I at least am very proud of that. Ruth has fans in most rooms. We won't last the summer without A.C., especially if we get lots of 100 plus degree days, but we'll do better than other years.Bob and I have been married 21 years today- harder years in some ways than we expected, but years full of growth and love. I never imagined that at this point we'd be making family in the house again with Ruth and her husband and baby. I don't remember what I did imagine. I like what we have. I do hope Bob can come home soon and partake of it full time. At least we will have the summer.

Friday night dancing

We had a moment Friday night - one of those magic moments. I cooked dinner this Friday since Ruth and Chris and Liam had spent the day at Sea World and Bob had come home early. We had Jewish music at dinner, and shifted to upbeat, dancy Jewish music during clean up, and then polkas - and suddenly Bob and Liam were dancing together, marching, clapping, swaying, and Ruth and I were dancing in the kitchen and. Then Ruth was in Chris' arms for a fast polka through the dining room Liam was clapping time and I was dancing with my hands in the suds and somewhere in there Bob kissed me. Life should have moments like that, the kind you can't plan. I think about more traditional communities, whether Jewish or the Czech Christians I grew up around who went to the SPJST hall Saturday nights and danced, kids, old people, parents, teens, ever body together. I got polkaed on patient men's big boots when I was too short for my feet to touch the floor and swirled giddy in the strong arms of farm boys (before Viet Nam made them soldiers and sadder) the summer I was seventeen. That kind of multigenerational activity, with music, to music, is fun.

Deck in progress

I can't get over all the things Ruth and Chris know how to do to build this deck. I never could have taken on such a projsect. It's progressing, complicated. Wood is heavy and expensive. It is going to be a great deck. I can help build best by taking Liam for walks to keep him happy and out of harm's way. Also, lately, he doesn't like the sound of the power tools. Tonight on our walk, on the way home, (thank goodness), he made a little sound in the stroller and I looked down and saw him quietly signing "nurse". He is so sweet, so vulnerable, so much in our care, and learning so fast. I was glad to be able to make his dream come true tonight before he even woke to know he'd dreamed it.

First Meal on our New Deck

What a treat! We had white pizza with chicken and wine on the partly finished deck - first of many meals out there. It is really coming along fast, though Ruth and Chris say what looks like a lot of wood at the store and feels like a lot loading into the car, doesn't seem like as much in terms of making deck.

Deck

We're about to have one - a big one, a big beautiful front deck that Ruth designed and Chris is building. he has been working all day today and there are pilings in the ground and boards on the grass. This is so cool. The deck is not anything I ever would have imagined possible, though I have enjoyed other people's, and now it is happening without my even having to do anything. Makes me so happy. Haviong a deck will make our relatively small house more amenable to entertaining and will also give us all more personal space when the weather is nice, and will make it easier and more fun to take care of Liam, who would always rather be OUTSIDE.

The hardest part

of the co-housing right now is that the two dogs, Duffy and Lobo, don't get along. Lobo is scared of all other dogs, including Duffy. Lobo is also scared of Liam. Integrating Lobo into family life more happily when he and Bob come home this summer will be important.

First Passover together

Passover begins tonight. Ruth and Chris and Liam have gone to celebrate Seder with friends they met in the neighborhood - the mom initially interested in Liam's Wee Rider bike seat. WE will have min-seders together on several of the nights of Passover this year, making the holiday our own, as we have tended to do in the past. Today was special for me because we rempoved hametz(puffed up food) from the house as a family. Ruth looked up specifioc rules on the computer, Chris read labels while fixing lunch, Liam and I filled boxes. We aren't super Orthodox, just moved the boxes into the garage and covered them with a sheet. Traditionally we would have sold them to someone not Jewish for a penny or a dollar and restocked after Passover, but we settled for a lesser level of observance. It felt good to do what we did together, as a family, as a household. It felt really different than making the pantry ready alone has in past years. I like being one of a family keeping a tradition.

Magic

Yesterday was one of those magic days - so much got done in such an atmosphere of love and sweetness. You can't count on days like that. Co-housing doesn't produce them, but I do think it makes them more frequent, easier to come by. Components of my great day were Liam's dancing and spinning, his smile and look of recognition aimed straight at me, his freely offered hugs and kisses, Ruth's astute advice regarding my very challenging family history cataloging, rewarding physical work with Ruth in the garden and yard. It is just so much easier to get things done with good natured company. She raked the leaves from K.K's life oak and I put them in the wheel barrow and rolled them (with Liam's help so conscienciously given) to the various compost and mulch locations. We bought and planted a yellow jasmine. Simple things, but so pleasing and restoring.

Spring

For real now, it is spring - blossoms everywhere. We celebrated Ruth's birthday. Spring break came and went quickly, fun with play in the park, Bob home, baseball games and movies and symphony. Chris has been cooking rutabaga, which is delicious and, to my surprise, yellow when cooked by itself. We're thinking about house changes, maybe a front deck, trying to be sensible about money. A deck would be nice for entertaining and to give us more space for not so much money. Liam loves to be outdoors, so a deck would be good for him too. Decisions are hard. A triumph is that Ruth and I pulled all the beggars' tick weeds out of the yard before they had a chance to make burrs.

Everybody home

We're settling in for spring break with Bob home. It is so good - a little hectic and crowded, but so good. I do hope that we get our money together to do some enlarging before we are all here all the time. It would be easier not to have to be meticulously neat to avoid losing track of things just because there are still too many things in the space we have when all of us are here. However, the advantage of community, connection, and shared work over ride being a little cramped. We have more personal space, and an extra bathroom, on the family members who shared my grandparent's house before I was born and throughought my ifetime, and so much comfort and luxury on most of the world's people.

A highlight last night was that Bob and I hung out with Ruth and Liam throughout playtime before bed, and he and Bob played and played with balls and blocks (including a wooden ring from Bob's boyhood block collection). It's just so much fun to see Liam develop relationships with each of us, say our names, seek us our - and he's a hoot besides, just so alert and full of fun. His signing and talking are coming along amazingly, making real, if basic, conversations very possible.

And Chris has introduced me to a fun new word "nips and taddies" and to the delicious root vegetables casserole it labels - turnips, rutabagas, ptotatoes - Yum!

Innocence - a lesson learned from cohousing

Innocence

Wide blue eyes focus
on hot oven door.
Curious, you stretch
tiny hand toward warmth.
Your Mama stops you fast.
Not safe. Not for you.
Walk away. You hear her fear.
Obey. One year old, you know
not all exploration is safe.
You can be hurt. You practice
trust, check adult eyes for
confirmation before you
dash down a hill, laughing.
Innocence is necessarily brief.

Away

I'm at a writers' retreat in Palm Springs with dear friends - good work, good companionship, and great warm weather. It's odd though being away from our home and family. In recent years when I traveled I just left an empty house, had to deal with who fed the cats and brought in the mail, but didn't have a sense of being away from home, family, people I loved. NowI think about family life going on in the house while I'm gone, and it's sweet. I think I'm even a little homesick, just enough that it feels good.

Hamen Tashen

The kitchen is full of them, made by Ruth and Chris while I worked on this rare snowy Texas day. This fruit stuffed pastry is traditional Purim fare, the food of the holiday when we Jews practice not taking ourselves so seriously and also understanding the way life can and does turn itself upside down. This year is so different from last year, but mostly in good ways, but ways I never would have expected.

Happy birthday Liam

A year ago you were born, and a year ago I lived in this house alone most of the time, such a different routine. I love that this house is rich with the sounds and sights of your childhood, your coat on it's hook in the hall, your dog curled on your dinosaur quilt on your bed in the room that's yours now and used to be your Mama's, your laughter, even your cries of frustration when you struggle to push your busy box across the floor and it gets stuck on the mat. I never knew anything was missing. The way I was living a year ago felt just fine (except that the kitchen cabinet doors didn't shut well). Now my life is so much richer (and the cabinet doors shut and stay shut). I would miss your family very much now if you moved out.

Hard work week

It's a hard work week - intellectual challenges for me with exciting clients - keeps me thinking, feeling, learning - and feeling drained by the end of the day. Coming home to dinners Chris has cooked and to liam, who brought his face close to mine for akiss before bed tonight, makes a tough time sweeter. I worry about Bob and look forward to the time he can life here with us all the time. Ruth and Chris both know I worry and offer comfort. I wish I could cheer up. I'm so fortunate to be where I am with the people I'm with.

The things I learn

Knife skills. I never thought I'd be learning knife skills at 59. I've been cutting vegetables for at least forty five years but all I was really taught was "cut away from yourself, never toward", which is good basic advice but nothing like the techniques I'm learning from Chris. I thought he was just magic, the way he cuts vegetables so tiny, especially onions, but more and more I'm learning that, though he is magic, cutting vegetables is about technique and having good sharp knives. This morning when Ruth was teaching the first session of her college class and I was making lunch, Chris gave me an effective lesson in mincing an onion. It worked - smallest pieces I've ever achieved. But there is more than that to it. If we weren't living together it never would have occured to me or Chris that he knew an ordinary kitchen thing that would make my life easier and my food tastier. We woulodn't have known and trusted each other enough for this morning's lesson to have occured. I think the thing I like best about the co-housing is the natural interactions that occur among us, the real connectedness without having to plan and design it.

Farmer's Market and parting with stamp collection

When I was in late elementary school through high school I collected stamps and I loved it - the clipping, soaking, categorizing, storing. I remember many happy hours moving stamps with tweezers, finding their places in albums, carefully storing duplicates. My active participation in this hobby waned in college, but I still enjoyed the albums. I hoped my kids or grand kids would pick up my fascination, but they just didn't. I guess Liam or Andrea or even one of the bigger grands still could - but I'm tired of storing the stamps and they just don't do for me what they did before - we change, interests, needs. That should be a nobrainer but it's taken me 59 years to get a slippery grasp on the concept. So today I spent the afternoon with my collection, last time - priced a bunch of items on eBay and found I have some good stamps but nothing of earth shaking value, so we've contacted a dealer to give us a bid. Feels good. Stamp collecting is moving out.

What's moved in is Saturday mornings at the Farmer's market with Liam and Ruth and Chris, choosing foods and spending time among people interested in sustainable living, greenness, ecokosher, whatever you want to call it - and just plain farm folk. I loved seeing a man a apparently in his seventies, in overalls
and practical hat, swaying and foot tapping to the same folksy music that had Liam up dancing. Three legged races being announced, introducing ourselves to
families with babies Liam's age, getting to know some of the farm families including hearing in detail the motor development of five month old Leay whose father grows green garlic right now and amazing peppers in summer, overhearing comments like "Last night when I went down to the barn..." said totally matter of factly....all of that just felt really really good even though
I am a city girl. And tomorrow I'll fix lamb and parsnips the way the farmer who sold the lamb does it for his family, that is if I have the sense to go to bed so I can get up to do it.

Sabbath again - reflection

Exhausting week - productive week. We made great progress toward getting out of our storage unit (lowered expense and a move toward not having more than we need), saw Liam through the delight of his graduation from the baby "Bug" class at Little Gym, passed the major milestone of closing on Joanna's house -gone that worry, and really streamlined the garage space for studio and computer desks as well as storage of things like holiday decorations. Ruth and I both like seasonal decorating, and materials for that are things we've chosen to keep. A jouy of this week is that Bob managed well his first week back in the classroom after his illness. We miss him this weekend, especially missed him at the Shabbat table.

The week ended sweetly. I came home from work a little before dusk to Chris in the kitchen preparing a feast up to his usual high standards. If you haven't tried cauliflower mashed potatoes you should - also grapefruit in your dinner salad. While he cooked, I straightened up week debris, put toys away, and Ruth and I sorted mail, finished the mundane of the week. I felt good about cleaning as Chris cooked, taking out the compost and the recycling, working mindfully, not rushing After Sabbath dinner and questions (Ruth's great new tradition), I finished cleaning the kithchen while Chris nd K.K. worked on her history review at the kitchen table. Yheyu continued working and then chatted while I wrote on my computer in my room and Ruth nursed Liam in his room. This sounds so simple, but it is so sweet, the kind of family life I missed when we were all living in nuclear families. It just seemed so right, the teacher helping the student, plenty of hands for the work, a shared sense of proper FridayI should be on my computer) but the spirit of set apart time is sacred and healing for me, however we handle the definition and the details. There is something so tender about beloved, week weary faces in candle glow, and the quietness of a house dedicated to winding down to simplicity for a little while, or resting and loving together. it feels so different from week nights.

Callouses

Tonight Bob and I got out our guitars to play with the three grandsons (Danny immediately requested "Puff the Magic Dragon" a song I, too, associate with Bob and his guitar with much sweetness). Bob has had trouble with his hand for some time now and hasn't been able to play but decided tonight that he was up to it (yay for spontaneous recovery in the last few weeks!). I was delighted to hear and get to sing with Bob again. And it made me think.

I want Liam to grow up with singing in the house the way I did. I still remember the absolute tenderness of Bob camped out singing me lullabies on his guitar. And I attribute my love of Folk music to his Peter Paul and Mary repertoire--those songs have always felt like family and love. Like a Dad is supposed to.

There have been a couple of times, over the years, that I've gotten to sing with Bob while he played and I've caught myself thinking "here it is--look at us--we are being a family!" and I've always dreamed of being able to do that for my kids.

So, when I was young, I requested and received a guitar for my (13th?) birthday. And I LOVE my guitar. It still makes me ridiculously happy just to get it out and drag the pick over the steel strings and listen to the resonance. It's a nice guitar and it was a very generous gift at a time that I'm not sure my parents had a ton of money to spare.

Playing the guitar has always fit with my self image and I think my mom and Bob got that. And so they didn't bat an eyelash. Didn't hesitate--they just got me the guitar and the lessons to go with it. And I was THRILLED. I still remember buying the grape seed oil and learning all about how to take care of my fingernails. I remember learning the opening fingerwork for Norwegian Wood and Brown Eyed Girl and feeling like I was finding myself.

I LOVED learning to play.

And then my teacher told me I would never get anywhere unless I learned my bar chords. And I couldn't get them. I tried and I cried and I wished. But I just couldn't do it. And I decided that if I wasn't going to get any better unless I learned something I couldn't learn then I should stop wasting my parents money and I asked to quit my classes. And so I quit--and I still played on occasion but I hadn't really learned much and I certainly hadn't gotten to the kind of social playing I wanted. And so I played less and less over the years. I lost my callouses and I forgot most of the chord progressions I'd learned.

I don't like that. I want to be able to pick my guitar up and sing when the boys request a song

So sitting there with Bob and the guitar he so sweetly got me and that I never really learned to play. I felt sad and guilty and loved and a whole host of mixed emotions. And I realized that I have that sort of experience far too often in my real life: I feel tenderness and regret and complicated emotions--and I want to say something: reach out in some what. But I stop short of saying anything about them.

Too often I tuck away my worry or remorse or concern or embarrassment or even love. And I act as if there is no deeper level to whatever mundane interaction is taking place.

I don't want to do that anymore.

So I'm not sure if I want to work on building up the callouses on my fingers or tearing down the ones on my interactions... maybe both?

Happy Sunday

It's great to be home, catching up on organization, Bob feeling fine going through old slides full of memories, deciding what to keep scanned onto computer, what can go. Ruth is straightening out her desk and Chris just came back from the park with a sleeping Liam who has been missing playing outside during these colder days. It's in the forties now - first time in several days, so he got to wander some. I so like my life right now. I still have so much sorting to do - more clothes this afternoon, and then the deadly paperwork - more and more.

Home safe

It took us a while to get discharge and prescriptions, but the trip back was fine and it's good to be home with Ruth and Chris and Liam. Bob even got to read Liam a bedtime story. It's 21 out - cold for these parts. I'm glad to be in..Thanks for all the love, prayers and good wishes.

Homeward bound

We're done with the doctors and nurses - Bob all dressed to go home, just some paperwork left. I have Pearl all loaded and ready to go. Chris is planning Sabbath dinner and I'm eager for liam hugs - good to be going home to a home, not an empty house.

Normal echocardiogram and all is well

Finally the elusive echo was found and the sweet internist read it off the computer for us - and it's perfect- healthy heart for my big hearted love - no clots, normal valves, nothing enlarged, no reason to believe the AFIB was caused by anything but the clots in the lungs - so not likely to recur. It seems that, as long as clots are prevented, Bob will be just fine, and we know he responds well to Cumadin - so definitely good news here. I slept well in the guest house last night, loved my bath, and am hungry - off to lunch now.

Still good

Bob's been off oxygen most of the day and feeling pretty good. I walked to his apartment and cleaned a little, also brought back some books and some of the food I fixed for him this week that would have gone bad if it had stayed in the fridge. I froze what i could freeze for next week. Anyway, I keep being blindsided by how easily Bob could have died. He didn't. Now I want to work harder on valuing every moment - which may be backfiring a little because i'm so darn serious about making the most of every moment rather than being good at lightening up and enjoying. That balance is hard for me.

Encouraging morning

Bob woke up feeling much better this morning - took a shower without oxygen and without being tired out by it. That is especially encouraging since it was during his shower Monday morning that he realized he was so short of breath and weak he had to go to the hospital. I'm just so glad he didn't die. Today could be so different. We are still waiting on the echocardiogram results and for the cumadin and luvanox to get his blood thin enough that risk of further clots is reduced. I don't know how long that will take, before they feel he is safe to release. I'm still holding back emotionally a little until that doctor reads the echo, but mostly I'm in a good place, full of tenderness for all I love, especially Bob, and planning writing projects to make the most of this time away from other projects.

Peaceful evening

It's oddly pleasant being here at the hospital with Bob - the rest of the world on hold. I've got the drill down - the location of the ice machine, the hours of the cafeteria, halls to walk inside since it is cold outside and I go crazy just sitting and not getting any exercise at all. Bob seems stronger, shaved this evening. I still am nervous about the results of the echocardiogram and he still wishes his heart rate would come down more, but mostly we're enjoying this odd island of time. I keep chanting internally in odd moments "He's alive. He could be dead. He's alive." And then I give him a kiss. Of course any of us could be dead at any moment and everyone could use a kiss. I also am thankful for Bob's choice to be a teacher and for the medical insurance that comes with that choice.I remember the added anxiety of hospitalizations without insurance. The system of payment for health care is so broken - and I feel really fortunate to be on the right side of the chasm this time around (not that there still won't be expenses).

Quiet afternoon

Bob and I have been reading and dozing. I did get lunch in the little snack shop on the hospital first floor and will try the cafeteria for supper. Bob is finding the hospital heart floor food really bland. Both of us are missing your cooking, Chris, and generally missing home, but we are alsolucky he's alive anbd being taken care of. I'm beginning to feel more relief even without the echo results, great tenderness toward Bob and to everyone I love - still somewhat pulled back emotionally but more normal than yesterday. I wonder what Liam is up to. I just checked his blog and smiled at his smile.

Frustrated

Well the cardiologist came and he still hasn't read the echocardiogram because he's been "too busy" and "can only do one thing at a time" which I do understand, but somehow the whole encounter felt sour. His general demeanor felt doomful to me and definitely "not upbeat" to Bob, though he was perfectly polite and kept asking if we had questions but he never answered any of them. He did ask me to write my questions down, which is a good idea and I will. But something about his manner just bugged me - like he suspects something bad he isn't saying, or maybe he just feels defensive about not having read the echocardiogram yet. I hate to leave the room to get something to eat, but I don't really want to. Still, eating is important.

Back in sinus rythm

Bob's hear spontaneously went back into sinus rythm about an hour ago. Apparently this doesn't usually happen and he could have other spells of AFIB, but so far so good. He seems to be feeling pretty good right now, better than early this morning. I think bland hospital food and being constantly poked and messed with is getting tohim a little. I am still holding out in terms of relief for the results of the echocardiogram from yesterday. There will be no more new tests as far as we know. That's a relief for me. I know medical tests are our friends, often save our lives, but I have an irrationally hard time with anxiety while waiting for results and have been known to yell that I HATE medical tests, which really isn't true. I want those I love to get the best care and I'm aware of the importance of tests in this.

New Day (same diagnosis)

Bob is having a harder morning--less himself according to my mom. We're all thankful he's in the care of the doctors and nurses instead of on his own somewhere (scary to think that the docs were saying Bob could have just dropped dead anytime in the last few days from this!)

Mom and I have been spending most of our talk time working on details of closing the practice for the week but I did get from her that they've done a CAT scan of Bob's legs and (the tech was not supposed to tell them this but) he does have clots in his legs.

The doctors seem to believe that Bob is genetically predisposed toward clotting and are considering genetic testing to prove the hypothesis (But Bob is wondering if they should bother given that the info won't change treatment for him and he will not be having any more kids and we aren't genetically related to him so the grandbabes are not at risk)

Mom seems less scared (waiting for test results is always the hardest part for her--now that they know it's easier).

It's strange to say, with such a potentially serious medical issue, that we're not worried--but for the time being (while he's with doctors at least) I don't think we are.

From the hospital

It's been a rollercoaster of a day, really thankful to have the support of both daughters and their guys. Right now Bob is not in crisis. In fact he's eating crackers and watching football. But pulmonary embolisms, his doctor said, are a major cause of sudden death, which could have happened any time during the last few days - freaks me out. I asked the doctor if sudden death is still a risk and he says not really, that the blood thinners give protection against further pieces of clot breaking off. There will be more medical tests tomorrow to look for clots in legs and heart and for possible genetic causes. Being with Bob, he doesn't seem very sick, not in pain or exhausted - I'm scared of the tests tomorrow though. tEsts are supposed to be good because they give information that leads to cures. I really know that. I'm just scared of information in situations like this. Completely irrational. I love it that you've been posting, Ruth, and thanks, Joanna for the ride and the love getting me down here in one piece. I'm glad Joanna took Lobo home and Chris and Ruth will take care of him. I'm just walking away from my practice, which feels crazy, for these few days - this week. I'm trying to leave messages, but people are just going to have to get along without me for now. I don't feel like I have any extra emotional strength for anybody.

new and improved update (now with actual information)

Bob called again to update me. My renewed list of "what I know" follows: (be aware that details may be screwy)

• He has "spray"s of small pulmonary embolisms in both lungs
• They think the embolisms may have caused the a-fib
• They did an echo cardiogram and will be doing more tests on his heart to look for clots there (because clots in the heart go to the brain and that is BAD!)
• They are taking it slow because they don't want to dislodge any clots that could be in his heart (again--trying to avoid the capital B-A-D)
• He is feeling much better now (oxygen is GOOD)
• He will be on cumadin (spelling?) for the foreseeable future
• They are looking into causes (maybe genetic?)
• They are projecting 3-5 days in the hospital followed by home rest with him back to work in two weeks (though I'm unclear if that is two weeks from now or two weeks of recovery--I'm guessing the later?)

Wait and See ?

I just got off the phone with Bob who sounds comfortable (and happily recounted for me the music and audio book he's listened to and the pages he's read while waiting in the hospital--so I'm pretty sure he feels better). They have done a CT and he's on a medicine designed to help with the a-fib. They are thinking/hoping/wondering that they may be able to get the a-fib under control (with meds or by removing a clot if there is one--they don't have results from the scan yet) and send him home. I'm not clear on a time line but it does seem like they are taking good control of him (and Mom is spending the night).

New News is No News

Joanna and I just spoke (quickly with two few details): Here is what I know now:

• Bob will stay the night.
• They are preparing to run "some kind of scan" (and had to run "a different one than usual" because of Bob's iodine allergy). Joanna did not know if the proposed scan was a CT as recommended by our doctor Uncle.
  
• Nobody seems freaked

I'll continue to post as I get news but it looks like it won't be much and it won't come fast. (Such is the curse of the blessing of being non-emergent).

Still Waiting

I have no news. Last I heard (several hours ago) Mom and Joanna were in San Antonio (about a quarter of the way). I hope I'll hear more soon.

I'll post when I know anything.

Bob is in the hospital

We woke up this morning to a phone call from Bob telling us that his (doctor) brother had told him he should go to the ER to make sure he didn't have a blood clot in his lungs. He followed directions and took himself to the ER where he had a chest X-ray (which we are told looks like probably does not have such a blood clot) and it was discovered that his heart is in afibrillation (sp?). They are admitting him (Further testing? Observation? Perhaps a CT?). I'll post more when I know it.

Mom is on her way to Corpus to be with him (and take care of Lobo).

New Year's Eve - Liam and Lobo

Last evening, Chris and Ruth reverted and joined a re-Prom party, re-creation of high school prom, but done as wise and experienced twenty-somethings instead of immature teens. Victoria and I (mostly Victoria) kept Liam. Liam slept peacefully until nearly 11:00, then awoke crying probably that no one was there in bed with him. Victoria, working on her computer in his room, immediately picked him up and started comforting. But he wanted Momma! So he cried. And cried. And cried. He accepted comfort from Victoria, almost falling back to sleep, but his insistence that he had a right to his Momma and anger that he wasn't getting what he wanted, won out. He cried off and on until Ruth and Chris, notified of Liam's stubborn state, could come and rescue him. When they arrived, immediately, he stopped crying.

The most fascinating thing, however, was how Lobo reacted. Liam has cried before, so Lobo is used to it. But when it didn't stop, Lobo decided something was wrong. He became agitated, running around, barking, jumping up close to Liam to sniff, then back on the prowl to find the bear or cat or other evil animal that was hurting Liam. He couldn't find it, and would come to me, confused, and then go back to hunting, growling, and barking. Several times, Liam would stop crying and watch Lobo for several minutes until he remembered his need to assert his displeasure. I calmed Lobo some, but he didn't seem really OK until Liam stopped crying.

Lobo, chronically afraid of all small humans (who he fears will pull his hair or poke him in the eye) has clearly fully accepted Liam as a member of our community pack!